In school they told me Practice makes perfect. And then they told me Nobody's perfect, so then I stopped practicing.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life!’

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.

I was at this restaurant. The sign said 'Breakfast Anytime. So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, 'But I don't know how. She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left. So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said i thought I told you to go to sleep.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus has gone missing.